Jokes



Jay Leno from 12/7/2005 (Posted by Gavin on 12/9/2005)
"President Bush's approval rating is so low, that if the election were held today, even UCLA would beat him."


Worth a laugh (Posted by Foster on 8/13/2005)



The Boy who wanted VD (Posted by Jenn on 10/30/2004)
One day, there was a boy of about 11 who shows up at the door of the town brothel. The Madam who answered the door looks down and says, "You're younger than most of our usual clients. Do you know what this place is?" The boy just pulls a $100 bill out of his pocket, and the woman shrugs and lets him in. In the front room, there are several girls milling around, and the Madam tells the boy, "Okay, you can pick whichever girl you want." The boy says, "I want a girl who has VD." The Madam is confused. She says, "VD? Why in the world would you want a girl with VD?" The boy answers, "Well, if the girl has VD, then I'll have VD. And if I have VD, the babysitter will have VD. And if the babysitter has VD, my dad will get VD. And if my dad gets VD, my mom will get VD. And if my mom gets VD, the milkman will get VD, and he's the one who stepped on my pet frog in the first place." [Okay, I heard this from a friend, so if it was in Playboy or something, sorry, but I don't usually read Playboy, and I just thought it was a cute joke.]


The 3 Bears (Posted by Summer on 10/23/2004)
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."


Tickets, Please (Posted by Foster on 10/2/2003)
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket. "How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them. When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all! "How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom. Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"


I know this was in Playboy, but.... (Posted by Buddy on 4/30/2003)
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One is white, plastic, and harmful to children. The other is Michael Jackson


Walmart (Posted by Jenn on 4/21/2003)
Q. Why aren't there any Walmarts in Iraq?
A. Because there are targets on every corner!


Hillbilly (Posted by Jenn on 2/28/2003)
A journalist is asked to write an article on the lives of your typical hillbillies, so he goes off to interview some people. He selects this one guy, who's sitting in the back of his broken-down pickup in his front yard, drinking a beer. The interview gets under way, and the reporter says him, "Explain to me the best day of your life."

The hillbilly thinks for a minute, and replies, "Well, this one day, my neighbor's pig got lost, so we formed a search party and had a great time drinkin' and huntin' the big boy down. By the time we finally caught him, we were so drunk that we all took turns screwing him until we all passed out."

The reporter, taken aback, responds with, "Uh, okay... well, then... what was the worst day of your life like?"

The hillbilly begins, "Well, this one day, I got lost...."


The affair (Posted by Jenn on 2/25/2003)
A wife is having an affair with her husband's best friend. One day, they're having sex in her bedroom when the phone rings. She answers, and all the best friend hears is, "Hello? Okay. Bye." Curious, the guy asks, "Who was that?" She answers honestly, "My husband." The guy freaks out. He frantically asks, "Well, what did he say? Is he on his way home? Does he know about us??" She tells him, "Relax. He's out bowling with you."


I have no idea what to title this (Posted by Foster on 2/14/2003)
Remember: in C++ only your friends can touch your privates. (Ok, it's lame. But I laughed.)


CS Majors and a Light Bulb (Posted by Jenn on 8/15/2002)
Q. How many Computer Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. It can't be done... it's a hardware problem.


Nerd Joke (Posted by Jenn on 7/25/2002)
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.


Elephant and a poodle makin' whoopie! (Posted by Jason on 7/12/2002)
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle!


The Odd Couple (Posted by Jenn on 7/12/2002)
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He spots a couple in a car with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..." Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night..and this is happening! "What's your age, young man?" demands the officer. "I'm 22, sir..." "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes.."


The Burglar and the Parrot (Posted by Jenn on 7/11/2002)
A burglar is robbing a house when he hears a voice behind him say, "Jesus is watching you." Alarmed, he looks around and is relieved to see that it was just a parrot that was mimicking something he had heard. The burglar walks up to the parrot and asks, "What's your name?" and the parrot replies, "Moses." The burglar wonders aloud, "What kind of person would name their parrot Moses??" to which the parrot responds, "The same kind of person that would name their rottweiler Jesus."


Free Sex with Gas Fillup (Posted by Jenn on 6/21/2002)
There was this gas station in "redneck country" (around Chattanooga) trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with every Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer named Bubba, pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told Bubba to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Bubba guessed 8. The proprietor said, "No, you were close.The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time"?

Some time thereafter, Bubba, along with his buddy, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.  Bubba guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the buddy said to Bubba: "Bubba, I think that game is rigged and he don't give away free sex". Bubba replied, "Hell No, it's not rigged... my wife won twice last week."


The Smart Employee (Posted by Jenn on 6/13/2002)
A stock boy at a grocery store was working in the produce aisle one afternoon when a man approaches him and asks if he can purchase half a head of lettuce. Confused by the unusual request, the boy says that he doesn't think that it's possible. The older man insists that he ask his manager, and after some heated discussion, the boy finally goes to the back of the store where his manager was. He says, "Boss, this crazy fucker is asking if he could buy just half a head of lettuce..." and turns to see that the man from the produce aisle had followed him and heard every word. So the boy finishes, "... and this nice gentleman has offered to buy the other half."

After everything was settled, the manager pulled aside the boy and said, "That was really quick thinking, I'm really impressed! So you say you recently moved here from Canada, why did you leave?" The boy responded, "Canada is full of tramps and hockey players." His boss turns red in the face and says, "My wife is from Canada." The boy, without hesitation, asks, "What team does she play for?"


Three jokes from Friday night's party (Posted by Gavin on 6/3/2002)
1.) What's green and has a wheel?
Grass - I was lying about the wheel.

2.) A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Did you know you have a steering wheel inside your pants?" The pirate replied, "Arr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

3.) What's a times the integral of one over cabin with respect to cabin?
A Natural Log Cabin


Cow Mom (Posted by Jenn on 5/7/2002)
Q. What do you call a cow who has just given birth?

A. Decaffeinated.


Microsoft Tech Support Spoof (Posted by Jakub on 4/25/2002)
- Brussels police department, how may I assist you? - Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie. - Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before? - No - Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name? - Bill Gates - Country? - The USA - Native language? - English. - Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie? - Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie. - We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie? - Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie. - Have you visited the Prime Minister before? - Yes - Were you hit in the face with a pie then? - No - Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month? - Yes - Any pies then? - No - Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait. - Just a minute.." (several minutes pass) "Okay, I'm back. - Did you get hit by another pie? - Of course not - Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. (click)


War Joke (Posted by Foster on 4/25/2002)
Where do generals keep their armies?




In their sleevies...


Genie in a Bottle (Posted by Jenn on 4/10/2002)
These two guys, Bob and Jim, go golfing one day. They're at about the 9th hole when Bob says to Jim, "Hey, Jim, got a lighter on you?" Jim nods and pulls a foot-long lighter out of his golf bag. Bob's like, "Whoa! Where'd you get that thing??" Jim replies, "I have a genie." Bob asks, "What? Like a little person that grants wishes??" and Jim says, "Yeah, she's really little, I carry her around with me all the time. She grants me any wish I want, any time." Bob, of course, asks, "Do you have her with you right now?" Jim reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a tiny little girl and holds her in the palm of his hand. Bob leans in for a better look, awestruck, and then asks the next obvious question, "Can I make a wish?" Jim says, "Sure, go ahead." So Bob takes the little girl into his hand and says, "Genie, I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly, there's a great whoosh and a million birds fly overhead. Bob says, "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!!" Jim looks at Bob and says, "She's a little hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"


The English Language (Posted by Jenn on 3/5/2002)
A linguistics professor is lecturing to his class one day. He says to them, "In the English language, a double negative means a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. There is no language, however, where a double positive means a negative."

A voice pipes up from the back and says, "Yeah, right."


Beemer's Penguin Joke (Posted by Big D on 2/16/2002)
So this penguin is driving, and has some trouble with his car so he pulls over on the side of the road. A mechanic pulls up behind him and tells the penguin, "I can fix your car right here, won't take more than an hour." The penguin agrees and walks to an ice cream shop. He orders a double scoop ice cream cone, sits back, and enjoys his ice cream. An hour passes, and he walks back to his car. The mechanic gets up form underneath the car and says, "Bad news. It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, no, that was just ice cream."


Poo! (Posted by Foster on 2/16/2002)
Do you know what that white stuff is in the middle of a bird poo?


More bird poo!


Elephant Joke 2 (Posted by Foster on 1/28/2002)
Why do elephants have so many wrinkles?


Because they're really hard to iron...


Elephant Joke 1 (Posted by Foster on 1/28/2002)
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhinocerous?


elephino...


Have you heard.... (Posted by Berj on 1/24/2002)
Have you heard the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?


The Taliban (Posted by Jenn on 1/3/2002)
Q. What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of shit?
A. The bucket.


The Best Fighting Dog (Posted by Gavin on 1/2/2002)
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.They set down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund----but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of his dog. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."


Woman Names (Posted by Jenn on 1/2/2002)
Q. What do you call a woman with a peg leg?
A. Eileen.
Q. What do you call an Asian woman with a peg leg?
A. Irene.


Civil War Soldier (Posted by Jenn on 1/2/2002)
A Civil War soldier wakes up in a field hospital after a battle. He looks solemnly at the doctor and says, "Something's very wrong, doc. I can't feel my legs." The doctor replies, "I know, we had to amputate your arms."


Engineers and Girls (Posted by stames on 12/29/2001)
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
''Where did you get such a great bike?''asked the first. The second engineer replied ''Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'''
The second engineer nodded approvingly ''Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.''


World's Funniest Joke (Posted by Gavin on 12/26/2001)
Not sure where I was during the voting, but apparently the world voted the following the world's funniest joke:
Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.
HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.
WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.
HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.



The Golfing Engineer (Posted by stames on 12/26/2001)
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?


Sausages (Posted by Mary on 12/7/2001)
So there are these two sausages in a frying pan, and one of the sausages gets pretty fidgety and turns to the other sausage and says, "Hey it's getting kind of hot in here eh?" And the other sausage turns to him and says, "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"


Maxim Joke (Posted by Gavin on 11/28/2001)
How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in gasoline and throw it in the fireplace! :-P


The Atom Joke (Official Joke of KerckhoffPatio) (Posted by Gavin on 11/28/2001)
So there's this atom walking down the street and he's looking very worried and upset. His friend comes up to him and says, "Hey...what's wrong? You don't look too happy." The atom shrugs and replies, "Yeah...I'm really bummed. I've lost an electron." His friend gasps in shock and says, "That's crazy! Are you sure?" The atom looks back at him and replies, "Yeah...I'm positive!"


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